Wednesday, August 29, 2018

How did I end up being a PhD student?

Assalamualaikum semua.

It has been very looooong time since I last wrote anything related to academic in this blog. In fact, blog ni pon sendu semacam dah. No one reads blog nowadays. We prefers social media like Insta and Facebook. Well, since blogspot still wujud, I would just write something la for the record.

I am now a PhD student. It's one of the biggest decision in my life! Hahah, sounds so difficult kan nak buat decision utk embark to this stage of life. Takut wei nak buat PhD. Because I'm afraid of failure and at this stage of life, at 31 years old, with three kids who had actually started schooling, comfortable job (eh?), I think deciding to further my study to higher level is a bit crazy! Even though ramai je orang lain buat , even some of them pjj from their husband or family while furthering their higher degree.

How did I end up at this stage of life huh?

First, the main suspect is my husband! Yup, he pushed me to say yes to PhD study. He did motivate initially, giving me some motivational words (not some--its buckets of motivational words) since 2014 for me to just start my PhD straight away after completing my MSc. Indeed, I;m not ready at all at that time. So he is the one who pursue for his PhD a yr later, 2015.

Looking at him and few other friends who are doing their PhD part time, I rasa...no way man. I can't take the pressure as a PhD student and still working as a lecturer. So I waited if my employee would like to sponsor their staff who wants to further study.

That hope was left hanging for the next three years. Some of my friend resign from work, found scholarship and flew overseas for their PhD. free and easy decision. Some do it in local universities, part time basis, or taking unpaid leave. While, my husband continue being motivated and do his PhD part time while still working. So inspiring being surrounded by them, unfortunately, I am not able to bring myself for that decision of doing PhD part time basis especially while my husband is also struggling with his own PhD.

2017, an email came from our HR and informing us we can apply for Staff Development Program to further our PhD in UTP, with fully sponsored and monthly salary still jalan as usual. Being me, not confident to further my PhD, my husband pushed me to apply for this scheme. Aiyooo, scary nye nak start the application, but I just try la because the offers rarely came in nowadays.

First of all, I have to apply as a student in my own workplace. Tettttt, that's the main challenge.
At the same time, I also applied for the Staff Development Program (SDP).
For SDP, I need to go through readiness interview.
Date for the interview was set up and I waited almost three hours for my turn to be interviewed When the time comes, the interviewers told me it is better to post-poned as the timing had become late evening. OK- down a bit lah, coz we already prepare kan.

reschedule interview, no ghost bump coz kononnya I'm ready lah. Bring along my proposal for PhD that my husband forced me to write. hahaha. What a forcer you are abang oi.

I will remember this interview forever in my life.. coz i cried! literally cried tersedu sedan sampai merah muka, keluaq ayaq idung semua. gila weh malu. tp u know the questioned me on my ability physically and mentally to take the difficulties as a PhD student, when my husband is also furthering his PhD, and my kids already started schooling, with baby too.

I don't know why did I cry and become very emotional during the interview because actually I (we) had been thinking of these things especially about our kids since three years ago, and thats one of my main barrier for not furthering PhD straight away is my kids. I don't think I am able to be fair for them when I'm doing my PhD.

But, being asked this question by the interviewers, of course I felt emotional. How on Earth u guys know my biggest fear? They don't even have any objections with my PhD proposal, in fact they like it, recommend it worth for a PhD thesis. But they are more concern about my personal capability to handle my family and my study. huhuhu, they hit my weak spot.

I continue crying even until I'm out of the interview room. And I sat on the bench, still crying and one of the interviewer came across to give me some comfort word. Malu nye Ya Allah... satu uni tau I emotional gila pagi tu.

I thought I failed that readiness interview. But turn out, I was recommended. Mmg saje je la dorang kan. I was recommended to further my PhD in the next two semesters, as the interviewers want to give some time so that my husband can start writing while I'm starting my PhD.


Because of the above, I had another relaxing interview with Human Resource Boss, just to make I betul2 ready. Berdebar tetap sama jugakla, menghadap boss kan. After that I went to research methodology course and need to do mock-rpd.
From there I had to also present my research proposal to the research institutes' directors and the vice chancellor research to make sure my research is allign with the university's research directions.
It was one of the most terifying presentation in my life coz I'm presenting to Professors, many of them in that room at one time. Luckily, I passed and here I am, as a PhD student.

I registered as a PhD student on 11th July 2018.
It has been almost 2 months now.


11 July 2018



the forcer @ supporter 


Progress?

Hm.

mcm x de je.

let's see.

oh btw, I am granted with three years study leave. I hope it is enough for me to complete my PhD.

i have few challenges already..but I save it for later post, maybe...

till then, adios.

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